Faint

Yesterday was a really bad day, old feelings came pouring in again, and I've done the most stupidest things again. It's really going well for me the day before, but I guess I can't be saved anymore.. Coach gave me the final verdict, and well all I could do was to accept. I have no complaints, as in the end everything really doesn't seem to matter. Really sorry. I'm not a worthy leader, in fact, I'm not supposed to be called a leader. But at least now I finally really really know what's wrong with me. If you don't trust me anymore, it's fine.It's really something I have to swallow down, personally. It's painful, but strangely I felt a sense of revelation and relief actually. Maybe it's for something better in the future. At least I know well in my heart that I finally won't avoid things anymore, won't give up so easily anymore. All the wrong I've done, how I wished I could erase it, all of them, but time doesn't turn back, and the damage had been done. Really sorry, in the end maybe I didn't really love you all the way I thought I would, but like I said before, I won't look back. All the pain and distress, I will take it all in my stride. I had a chat with dad yesterday night, he really gave me the best advices. He's really the one guiding light in my life, and I can't tell how grateful I am, and it makes me feel like shit thinking of all the bad things and troubles I'd caused him.      

I really thought things will finally get better for me, but apparently it's not enough. Maybe I'm just living in my own illusions....I still couldn't fight the reality well. But really, I won't give up anymore. Thinking of the days when I'm so down and so insecure, I actually feel happy nowadays. You people probably hate me like a thousand fold, but my journey will still continue... and I hope when the curtains do fall, it's not a sad ending.
sincerely. Those who still trust me, no matter as a friend or any other way, thank you. Well I'm not gonna dwell on this anymore...while people are facing bigger adversity I will feel my situation is just really not that important anymore. 

Blue skies will still be ahead. I must believe.

[I will still continue losing precious things the way I am now. I can't protect anything if I am still the way I am now. I don't wanna be a fu*king garbage.]