So cold.

一大早起床
心   很冷很冷
冷得不得了
看着窗外的天空    灰灰的
风一直一直在刮   那种超现实的感觉
让人觉得好寂寞


我  原来那么脆弱
孤独真的是我的唯一出口?


不想有一天
真的寂寞寂寞
寂寞到什么都想不起
寂寞到忘了一切
寂寞到不懂什么是寂寞




泪    在眼眶打转
天空还是很灰

Brave Heart

all this while, I've been in the long lane of memory fragments.

It's been too long, I just can't get rid of it. everything has become a part of my life, my dream.

Yes, I have a dream. A far away, colourful, dream; it's a dream that will splash iridescent rainbows into this world.

This world of grey, white, black. 

It feels so awful and sad whenever I think of the position I'm currently in.

yes, it feels like I've had all those things I once dreamt of. Long ago.

Sadism and longing, it bites my soul, so hard so painful.

But yes, I really have everything. maybe it was me, maybe it was all about my dream.

I always feel like doing something, so that I can be closer.

Closer to that day.

Now it's just passe, but it still feels damn heck awful. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective.

and how you define this world.

To me, the world, it's colourful.

too colourful that it saddens my whole being. 

I always feel that maybe there's something else that I can do, and yet I also feel hesitated.

Like maybe I've always been wrong all the while, from the beginning. 

I have a dream. I love memories.

It's a sunshine in my path, and all I need is a brave heart to bask in its glory. 

Can I believe? 

[sorry if im a bit hypocritical, but i cant lie to my feelings

i need something. to recover my world. the world once full of hope

HOPE. once I had always believed.]

寂寞是永不结束的邂逅

又发觉
人生又进入那个阶段了
好久没更新了   真的真的好久了
话说我这次选择用华语   不因为什么


感觉比较好表达   很罕见吧我用华语来抒发
英文自然我比较喜欢   但我还是很爱华语  虽然差得不知所以然
还是英文退步了硬找借口? 
我不知道
可能   绕了一大圈才发现原来又走回原点


这种事吧
我怎么了?


最近都没在做什么  假期过后发觉生活很单一格式
蓝色的淡雅色彩    隐隐晕开的紫色彩调
看了很多九八刀的书   有点挽歌的诗意
很喜欢他的文字  截然不同的感觉  虽然还是比较喜欢橘子
因为......




也没什么    就
感觉很累很累  又不懂在累个什么劲
上学    功课严重跟不上   原来我堕落了吗
回家后只想睡觉   很没营养很悲哀的生活方式
还是纯粹活在过去卡在某个地方了    久久出不来   
就算出来了也又倒带    有时候会很羡慕生活简单的人
好像一切笑笑便海阔天空    算了
要往前看啊啊 


很久没来这里了
想重新装横这里   又很懒
也很久没去朋友的部落逛逛了    找一天真的要恶补
不然我会很不安心
最近上了某个位子   下定决心要好好带上他们
至少在这全是失败的人生   干好一件事


希望如此   不然我会很......自卑? 还是内疚
说道自卑   发掘其实我很容易自卑  天天想怎么不比别人好
虽然很清楚明白不去比较好好冲刺才能成大事
可是仿佛这已是习惯   
能摆脱吗? 看着别人那么成功    突然双手也想握紧什么


梦想    幻灭?
一生追寻那曙星光的约定    能达成么?


[双手.....突然想握紧某样东西
寂寞的人害怕的不是寂寞
而是渐渐习惯了孤独
能否    让我再一次拥有?]

Sometimes.Something.Somebody...Everything?

Somtimes, when you feel like it's gonna be the end of something.

Somebody there to lend you her ears is enough for everything that will come the way.

Everything.

Life's so sucked up these days, I had no time to finish everything because...well, Im THE procrastinator and lazy-bug. and my dad's health is getting worse, the coughing won't just stop....:( Get well, strong man...I know you will. and sorry for every disobedience and tantrum I had thrown at you, sorry. and Happy father's day :)

Reminiscence Of Last November

If life is harsh and love's fragile

Why even bothering to perserve? 

If it's so easily destructible and hypocritical

what's the purpose we're even here in the first place?

The world, it's a dark place. From the vintage days of the past

when I reminisced of the neon lights, flickering almost lonely in the black of dead night

When desolate lands and abandoned Carousel is the only light and warmth

when back then we're still ignorant of this world, what is in my mind? can I still remember?

The neon lights radiate hollow and artificial glare, almost like it's alien but yet again almost like a starlight.

Im always chasing the starlight, from then till now, 

I vow to do it until the end of my life. But is it worth it anymore? when everything's blank

and hope no longer is in sight, so why is it that I will continue to chase the starlight?

The november days, the ones that's so ancient and so far away. 

Is it last november that I started to really see the starlight? 

Or is it neon lights that's been deceiving me all the time? 

So cold, so lonely.

The carousel.

Did it stop right under the moon or behind the sunset? 

I can't remember. So does everything fall apart because I no longer chase the starlight?

But somehow I can't stop the thoughts to stray, to a galaxy where I know there's somebody out there

Somebody out there for me.

It's June already.

Everytime there's a meteor that shower by against a backdrop of constellation starlights

Who, will be by my side and remind me to make a wish?

It's June already. 

I shutted all doors, clamped down all memories, cut off all lingering emotions

so that I can move on.
But apparently, Im born for something that can't be forgotten no matter what.

Starlight. 

Remembered from the november days, from a far far away time that I remembered 

something had been left behind.

Something.

Im waiting for that day

So messed up.

I've been feeling this sense of unrest for almost....half of this year.

So many times, I had felt that I had found something important, something I worth living for.

But so many times, I had ended up questioning my faith. What had I been doing? and what had I live for?

It's a Friday. woke up at 3pm and stared at my phone's wallpaper. essentially trying to recall what had happened while Im asleep. But of course, I couldn't remember it...I had been wasting my time. My head ached like the ends of hell. How am I gonna end all this? 

Need a heart that is ever-appreciating and always believing. So far, I just need a solution to my problems. Am I greedy? I feel a little bit already. No, I should never think about so much things at once...focusing on a goal is the best way for me to move forward.

Well, enough with the negativity already. The first week had been meaningful, to say the least. It's not that I had not been expecting, but I never really dreamt I could blend in and had tonnes of fun :D All this while, Im just chasing everybody's back and tracing your footsteps. So if Im really after happiness, I need to make a trail myself. Nice kem kepimpinan....had lot's of memories with my fellow friends. Thanks for everything :D Now maybe it's a little bit too late about this...but I somehow feel I need to remember this. and then there's the trip to Genting with my band....as always, it's indescribable. haha xD maybe Im exaggerating it, but I like the feeling when we're all in this together. The sentimental feeling and togetherness and craziness is priceless. So Im feeling hollow now because I missed those times so badly? Move on, man! 

Yeap, tomorrow is still there and I need to open my eyes and.....see the sunshine? so cliched xD

[ Sorry for all these while... I really wanna save it all. really. but there's something not right with me == I'll appreciate the time until the end....I really hope]

Starting point

Tomorrow going kem kepimpinan.....a bit reluctant to go lar cuz I wan read manga xD 

Well, know that there'll be many people I know going...so hope wont be too boring~~

everybody who's going enjoy yourself bah~have fun :D

and after that going Genting on thursday~the band will have gone up there on wednesday by that time..will miss one day of fun :( the kem lar! we only return in the afternoon on wednesday....haizzz. So this is gonna be one heck of a busy week...busy enjoying XD 

Bought jor 2 Giddens book~ohyea~