Faint

Yesterday was a really bad day, old feelings came pouring in again, and I've done the most stupidest things again. It's really going well for me the day before, but I guess I can't be saved anymore.. Coach gave me the final verdict, and well all I could do was to accept. I have no complaints, as in the end everything really doesn't seem to matter. Really sorry. I'm not a worthy leader, in fact, I'm not supposed to be called a leader. But at least now I finally really really know what's wrong with me. If you don't trust me anymore, it's fine.It's really something I have to swallow down, personally. It's painful, but strangely I felt a sense of revelation and relief actually. Maybe it's for something better in the future. At least I know well in my heart that I finally won't avoid things anymore, won't give up so easily anymore. All the wrong I've done, how I wished I could erase it, all of them, but time doesn't turn back, and the damage had been done. Really sorry, in the end maybe I didn't really love you all the way I thought I would, but like I said before, I won't look back. All the pain and distress, I will take it all in my stride. I had a chat with dad yesterday night, he really gave me the best advices. He's really the one guiding light in my life, and I can't tell how grateful I am, and it makes me feel like shit thinking of all the bad things and troubles I'd caused him.      

I really thought things will finally get better for me, but apparently it's not enough. Maybe I'm just living in my own illusions....I still couldn't fight the reality well. But really, I won't give up anymore. Thinking of the days when I'm so down and so insecure, I actually feel happy nowadays. You people probably hate me like a thousand fold, but my journey will still continue... and I hope when the curtains do fall, it's not a sad ending.
sincerely. Those who still trust me, no matter as a friend or any other way, thank you. Well I'm not gonna dwell on this anymore...while people are facing bigger adversity I will feel my situation is just really not that important anymore. 

Blue skies will still be ahead. I must believe.

[I will still continue losing precious things the way I am now. I can't protect anything if I am still the way I am now. I don't wanna be a fu*king garbage.]

Higher than Heaven

It's been a while again. Say hello to July.

anyway I just came here to write somthing, anything will do.

somehow I wanted to record the days and somehow I don't feel like forgetting these days.

人,很多时候,是孤独的吧.  我很相信这一句.

就发觉最近都很喜欢一个人    一个人想想人生问题

一个人看风景    一个人做自己喜欢的东西

一个人并没有什么不好

而最近似乎开始熟悉起从前那个自己了

我很贱    得到的东西不会珍惜

失去了才后悔   做的事情都不好   可能以前的错误已经造成永久伤害

就算现在想挽回都很困难了     在人眼中我真的很垃圾

不过算了    我不会再回头     就算现在还没办法去完全办到

我不会放弃的   我已经找到继续生活的动力

就算有时觉得活着没意义

朋友说你打从一开始就对我没感觉      心是会沉了一下

不过我不会 逗留在那里  至少我已经做了交代   心不会那么沉了 

你还是会是特别的女孩

只要想到你     都会有种希望   直到有一天这份感觉不一样了

我想那时候是我前进的时候了

不过是我没主动行动   所以不会去怪罪谁

因为真的那样的我还不行

还有另一个你    打从什么时候开始就很喜欢跟你相处的感觉

虽然只是淡淡的谈话   不过想到你    我就会想起从前的自己

看到你   每天都会有了去上学的理由     和给我一种莫名的希望

好喜欢你认真读书的模样     我想到的只有'温柔'这个形容词

还有你    或许变的真的是我吧    不过我确实发觉你真的有点不像我认识的你了

你说是我没了解你   我想可能是吧    

不过我都一直在你身边    我没能力时我承认我真的没怎么关心你

作为朋友    对不起了

从小学到现在   你都是我特别的朋友

乐队的同伴     可是我发觉你这个好朋友

给我的感觉不一样了    老实说   有点不是很喜欢你的性格了

不过我依然会支持你    有什么我一定帮你 :)

 

还有你  真的希望你别整天因为一个人就emo 

我明白你的感受   可是有时很想打你  

想一下身边你的朋友的感受好不好

我不是称职的朋友    不过能帮你我都会帮

如果有些行为冒犯了真的对不起  我也有很多自己的事要烦

希望你会释怀

最近都很爱看日剧

真的很喜欢那种感觉

还有很多想看的电影    啊啊啊啊啊啊

还有很快就要预考了    唉

永远都会爱海贼王<3

Drawing Days

It's been awhile.

好了,其实我不是很想打英语.你们总说我英文好,不过事实是我希望我不再听到这样的东西了.我离我希望的地方     还很远很远    没法想象   我在这可还没对得起自己呢

其实我也没有什么特定想说的话    只是最近觉得时间变得很奇怪

不 应该说这状态维持很久了    我的世界也变得很奇怪    

度过这每一天     感觉都不再真实      很多感觉都麻木了

只是最近比较忙乐队的公演     希望这次    真的可以顺利

为我祈祷 ><
总是在想一些无意义的事物    明知道想了都不会改变什么

可就是会不断去想

还有就是最近又开始不负责任了    麻烦了级任     真的对不起了

杨老师    你真的是个好老师   其实我喜欢你教课和与同学们互动事

我也还没实现对你答应过的事     现在努力尝试当中    

很谢谢你的教诲 :))有能力的话会报答你的

还有就是慢慢找回生活的步伐    开始有一点以前那个自己的踪迹了

可我还是那么不争气     所以很多东西还是要努力 

现在至少明白了某些事情    也不会像以前那么执著了

然后很谢谢这些日子对我好的人    和让我领悟,从错误中醒来的人

就算对自己曾做过的事还是耿耿于怀    心还是好痛

可是至少我一定要学会不要逃避    

朋友们的陪伴    哪怕只是小事     如今的我会为这些事开心

真心的人    诚意的人     

很仰慕这样的人.

还有其实我还是没有勇气向你交代清楚

还有最近这些日子有你的陪伴    会珍惜

是你让我知道简单的事    其实就是幸福的事

原本以为不会有大事的

可是其实我应该知道我的行动会有什么结果

我那么做    看起来好像在找渣

甚至根本就是不应该发生的

那么愚蠢至极的东西

我就是做出来了

我没资格说活

甚至很想就那样去死

因为我的行动     为她闯出了那么大的祸
我太看轻事情了
是我太不负责任了
太过自以为是了
连这种事都做了出来

 
我早该知道的

我这个人   人格真的有问题了
自己丢了自己的尊严   

是我自己该得的  也知道她绝对恨死我了
说自己很失败    也是一点屁用都没有

说对不起    却什么也改变不了     

现在真的很难面对她     很内疚很惭愧 到很想死

我或许不应该做人

其实很多东西已经拖了很久

我能做的,只能不要再搞砸了

然后想办法面对生活

觉得很没用

我好没用

看到了别来安慰我 也别来问我什么

我只想找个地方    写下

然后  做些什么
说了再多是没用的

生活   不继续还能怎样

BUTTERFLY

One week left until mid-years over. Currently just want to bask in every moment and try to forget all the painful mistakes and past. I've made this promise to myself even though I had broken so many promises. I just nid to try all over again. Can't let those who's beside me down anymore. Try hard to stay true to myself and don't lose identity easily. It's not gonna be easy, I just hope I can be forgiven. No time for me to waste anymore =)

Do you know Butterfly is a symbol of hope? =)

Live to Rise

It's exam days and all I could say is that it's been really tiring so stay strong people and drink more coffee ! =D I've been battling my guilt, questioning my purpose and reading the books at the same time, so its quite a suffering experience... I'm all to blame, and sometimes regretting something you think you shouldn't have done but done it anyway is a pretty funny thing...It eats away at your core. Scary yet the only thing you can do is to refrain from doing it again ...and starting from today everyday is very crucial and important..my happiness depends on whether I can accomplish my tasks on time or not. It sucks actually, thinking of all the days you've been wasting...please dear, let me have the strength and heart to cherish simple things in life.

Haha XD here it is kuliansi pic XD

Today (Friday) is quite an unusual day for me. Actually, I'm thinking of skipping my physics and biology paper 2 exams today cuz I can't manage to study it in time, and I feel so blessed and lucky that I didn't do just that. During exam the same old question pops into my head again, and I feel like complete idiot that I didn't cherish all the time I got to study in the past....and after school it made me realize how I've missed the old times. I went to have lunch at behind pasar that awesome stall which is our usual gathering place after school if we have tuition or whatever in the afternoon with classmates moon wei jingni yoonping and ah qian and it's been awhile since I visited the stall. The food was awesome as always and the scene of us eating and chatting together made me oh-so-misseeeedddd the time in Form 4 when I had those bunch of wonderful memories with my classmates.T.T Kinda feel old already, and I better start appreciating things cuz if I don't, I'll leave Yu Hua with tonnes of regrets. Anyway things get kinda better than usual today and I hope the feeling is not just temporary. I need the strength from memories to carry on.

Live to Rise is a song by rock band soundgarden for The Avengers Movie. Check it out!

雨下得太久了......什么时候才会有阳光?